I start to cry every time I drive by my old home.  I was so happy here. Such a loss. In so many ways. It is now under foreclosure and sits empty with "no trespassing" on the gate. I've started to drive in a few times but then I think, why do this to myself?

So, I went to see a shrink. And, I rest my case when I say that members of the psychiatric community in general are crazier than the average bear. No exception here. She was crazier than a rat in a shoebox. But let me back up.
When I had my annual physical, my doctor said she thought I was depressed and might want to talk with someone. She is right. I am having a hard time moving on since my husband left. And, it has been over two years!! I am continuing to let the past define me and no matter how intellectually aware I am of my victim mindset and the need to move on, viscerally I still feel like one. I want to be more than what I am. I just don't know how to get there. So, yes I need help with that.
One thing the shrink said was that there is nothing wrong with being stuck. It is normal and it is what happens when you are suffering from post traumatic stress. She said that is what is wrong with me. She then proceeded to tell me that it took her four years to get over the infidelity and break-up of her marriage. Seriously. Is everyone over the age of 50 divorced??? She also told me I was codependent because I ended up letting my husband define me and that I lived for his validation and approval. True to some extent, but I kind of felt like she was talking about herself . . . anyhoo, she wants me to go to a Coda group. Which is like AA for codependent people. oy vey
All I can say is that I'm sick of feeling sad and empty and maybe if I can admit that and that I need help, I've taken a positive step.

Meet Octavia!

So, as a consequence of Lu-Elaine's fall into the canal and Sophie's difficulties getting in and out, Tom showed up yesterday with bags of concrete and built Sophie her own steps into the canal. (And, they'll be great for getting in and out of my kayak.) They are awesome. Look:

I heard him calling me at one point to bring the camera so I ran out and look who is living in my canal! An Octopus! Isn't she lovely? She changed color several times right in front of our eyes. I have named her Octavia.

I looked at Wikipedia and read, "The octopus is a cephalopod mollusc of the order Octopoda" and my eyes started to glaze over so I stopped. Seriously though, they are the most intelligent of invertebrates and the drawback? They eat lobsters! So, Tom says I will have no lobsters in my canal. Bummer.

Chapter 3, I think . . .

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

By Portia Nelson

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.

       There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost…I become helpless.

       It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.

       There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

       I pretend I don’t see it.

       I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place.

       But, it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.

       There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

       I see it is there.

       I still fall in…it’s a habit

              My eyes are open.

              I know where I am

       It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.

       There is a hole in the sidewalk.

       I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Well, the girls and I spent a quiet day together, which I guess is my new tradition. Not so terrible really. (And not so quiet at times.)

The highlight of my day was when Lu-Elaine and Tom stopped by on their way north. We went outside to look at Sophie swimming in the canal and Lu decided to show her how to use the steps. I heard a splash and this is what I saw next.

So she and Sophie had a little swim . . . 

before she struggled out of the canal, took a quick shower, and they were on their way. Note: I noticed neither used the steps to get out. I'm thankful for Lu-Elaine and Tom and their friendship. And the fall in the canal was priceless. (Ok, it was hilarious but I don't want to go into that because she was pretty scraped up and I'll feel awful if I laugh and she is hurt.)
So, this is what my thanksgiving dinner looks like:

Yummy fresh Key West Pink shrimp and a nice salad. yay.

* * * 

I'd like to say I haven't given a thought to previous Thanksgivings with my husband or that I hope he won't choke on whatever he is having for dinner today.

But I can't.

Sophie has a new hobby. She spends quite a bit of time at it. I have two coconut palms in the front yard that drop a few coconuts every day. Sophie takes each one to the back porch and shreds it and works it and works it until she gets to the nut. Somehow she is able to crack this to get to the milk and meat. Now, I have only seen a coconut opened with a machete so this is impressive. 

 Makes quite a mess, as you can see.

Then, around 3 or 4 in the morning, I hear it. The unmistakable sound of a dog heaving. She vomits all that coconut on the bedroom floor. A lovely gift for mummy to deal with in the morning. Now, my challenge is getting the nut away from her before she can crack it. We did about 6 laps around the house yesterday and I was not too pleased with Miss Sophie. She thought it was great fun.

And, I wanted to share this wonderful head with you. I was having lunch with my BFF when we spotted the back of this head. My BFF said it looks like coral. I thought, a Shar-Pei.

And, just one more thing:
hahahaha

Prepare yourself for a diatribe

and if you don't want to hear it, please don't read on. . .

So, I had a lot of time to think in the 10 or so days I was on the road, and unfortunately -  and apparently impossible not to- my thoughts dwell on the turn my life has taken in the last few years.

I have meant for quite some time to send apologies out there into the ether to the friend of a friend I spoke about when my husband first left. She was in her third year of abandonment at the time and unable to move on, bitter and depressed. I vowed not to be her. Arrogance on my part. Well, hello. Now I completely sympathize with her immobility. Mine seems to be more emotional than material, but still. . .

Something I've recently read resonated with me (and I would like to give credit where credit is due but can't remember who or what.) Anyhoo, it went something like this:

Now that he's gone, you can finally hear yourself think. Gather yourself back together. You've been in a lot of little pieces because you're always dealing with him, listening to him, checking on him, trying to find out what he thinks instead of what you think. Do that long enough, you can lose yourself. Just disappear. Don't I know it. I'm still looking for myself . . . 

I now realize that men are just a bandaid, we stick them over an uncomfortable truth we don't want to look at. That is, we're all ultimately alone. Everything else is illusion. We live in solitary confinement inside our own bodies. No man can complete me. I'm on this journey alone.

Ok, I'm done now.

So, to catch you up, from Vilano Beach I hightailed it to Stuart to meet my new great-nephew, Ben. A beautiful little boy, and so wonderful to see Genevieve and Seth who are growing like little weeds. And, of course, Natonio and Sarah - they have a fabulous house with a pool (and I am green with envy.) So happy I stopped but instead of spending the night, I made a beeline for the Fabulous Florida Keys. The girls and I could smell the barn, if you catch my meaning.
So, I got to the dump, I mean house, that I rented on Monday night and have spent the last five days trying to make it habitable. And things are looking up. Two of those days were spent moving out of my storage unit in Florida City and having my things around me has  made things better. (And, not to complain or anything but it is wicked hot and humid here - my least favorite kind of weather. oy) So, without further ado, here is my new abode:

not much to look at from the street side

but this is the back of the house and if it ever cools down,
will be a great living space - nice right?

Here is the canal and tiki out back and nice to see the
working boats going out and coming in. That's my hot tub.
No need for it  yet, that's for sure.

This is a shot of the living room from the kitchen. My BFF was going
to buy that palm from the Habitat Re-Store and I demanded
she let me have it. And she did. She will have
it back in April when I leave..

Yikes! Scary killer palm frond in the canal!

79 degrees when I crossed from Georgia into Florida this afternoon and I couldn't help myself, I made a beeline to Vilano Beach and the Ocean Blue Motel, my fave oceanfront dive. The girls and I took a long walk on the beach, happy happy. Here is the view from the room. And, I am hearing the waves break as I write. Doesn't get much better than this.

Almost home . . .

Lordy I hate the south . . .

As always, I had a wonderful time with my pal, Stacy, in PA for a couple of days. She came up from Maryland and we met in Bigsley, PA, or some such silly name, near Gettysburg. We stayed in an uninteresting blah little rental called Cozy Cottage (should have been with K's: Kozy Kottage. Would have made it more interesting, but I digress) - nothing like the much more fascinating and rather Horrid House of Heads from previous years. BUT,  perfectly adequate. She spoils the girls rotten, as you can see. Oh, do they love her.

We had some interesting shopping - especially the rather creepy Catholic lady who had a shop in her living room in Fairfield. God apparently speaks to her and tells her what to paint on her icons and stuff. Lots of blood and gore. She told us ALL about it. Miss Stacy was way too polite while I wanted to stick needles in my eyes and run out of there screaming. Made for some good laughs the rest of the day though . . .
Found a totally cool third world craft fair at a Mennonite church of all places and a fabulous Lavender farm. Out of this world herbs and lavender and can only imagine what it must be like in summer. Stacy will make a return trip in June. Just wonderful.
We were lucky enough to celebrate Veteran's Day in Chambersburg, PA, sweet little town with a parade consisting of the high school band and various representatives of the armed services and a speech by the mayor. Freezing cold day but a good turn-out. Small town America at it's best. Really touching and so glad we were there to see it (even though we made a quick exit to go to our fave candy store before heading home.)

 So here is the I Hate the South part.  Got bullied on the highway because of my left leaning bumperstickers. Stayed at one of the few hotels in this neck of the woods that takes dogs. Gross smoking room.Was presented with biscuits and gravy and powdered eggs in the morning. I don't like it. Ignorant slack jawed yokels that talk like they have a mouthful of marbles. I heard Rick Perry favors seccesion. That would get my vote.

Ok, having said that, my dear friends, Susan and Bob, now live in South Carolina. They have a lovely little Oasis in a world of southrens. A beautiful old cottage pupulated (get it?) with four fabulous little Cavalier King Charles spaniels. The setting is idillic, the house and studio beautifully decorated. I can see why they put up with this part of the world in order to live in their beautiful bubble. Susan made us a wonderful lunch, pumpkin soup - creamy with a little spice to it. Really fabulous. Salad, bread. Best meal I had all week. Thank you, Sue!

 Here is Bob with their youngest, Delilah. Both so cute!

 And, my sistah, Susan on the porch of her studio (and no, I'm not jealous - much!)

Here are the babies in their little crates. cute as can be. Sophie was totally freaked. V. funny.
And tonight? Still in the south, outside of Columbia, South Carolina, in a nasty place off the freeway. My plan is up early, get thru the rest of this State and Georgia, and get into Florida tomorrow. Yes!

Ok, first off I have to welcome #8 (my lucky number, btw). Great-nephew Benjamin Edwards was born today, a healthy baby boy. So HAPPY, I had me a good cry in the car after Nat called to tell me! Yay, Ben, can't wait to meet you.

Look how beautiful he is.

So now, I have to back up and show you some pictures from a few days ago when I left Langhorne, PA and drove to Philly to visit my super fabu niece, Annie, along with Lucia and Micah. Look at Annie - so cosmopolitan, sitting with her beautiful children at a sidewalk cafe. She looks like Audrey Hepburn.

And, not to brag or anything, but my grand-niece and nephew are not only beautiful but so SMART.  Oh yeah!

We went to the arboretum after breakfast and it was like going back in time to autumn. Look at this gorgeous maple.

So, when I left this sweet little familia (and BigJosh, I missed you mucho), off I went to Mercersburg to visit my beloved nephew, Josh. OMG!!! It has been a year. Look at my gorgeous in-a-three-piece-suit nephew. I told him he looked like something from Fox and Hound. Josh is a lovely person and I am not just saying that because I am his aunt. The boy will go far - already has accomplished so much! Love you, Josh.

 Onward towards Gettysburg after that to meet up with Stacy, but more on that next time . . .

GREETINGS from a Starbucks in Chambersburg, PA. I've been without internet or phone for two days so will plan to update tonight. Getting back on the road this morning, heading for Virginia. ta ta for now.

So, I would just like to go on the record as saying that Connecticut is the WORST place for traffic EVER. I have never ever driven through Connecticut without encountering HORRIBLE traffic. I am so over Connecticut. Well, until next Spring I guess.
Anyhoo, I was kind of excited to avoid the mess of New York by trying to follow my friend and co-worker, Carol's advice. Wrong! I tried to head for Newburgh, NY to cross the river there but something went wrong. Don't ask me what (and Carol: not your fault! probably)
Found myself on the George Washington Bridge. Lovely.

But I made it to Langhorne where, to my surprise, I had booked us at a high rise hotel. Woohoo! Let's see, what do I like best? The fact that I have to take an elevator to the basement to go in and out with the girls? The fact that I am parked about 2 miles away and have to make three trips to unload and then load the car? Or, how about the fact that the internet connection sucks?
Then, this morning before the sun came up - with nowhere really to walk the girls unless I wanted to go to the mall across the street - Sophie decided it would be a good idea to charge a food delivery guy unloading his truck. She ran across the parking lot barking her head off. Poor guy probably peed his pants. Guess she just didn't like the cut of his jib (as my BFF would say.)
Today will be better, I am sure. Lots to look forward to so I'd better get moving - out of Langhorne, PA. More anon.

Travel Update

A few traumatic days for the girls, who took to their beds (wide awake, as you can see)  while I packed up. "We are NOT LEAVING! . . . um  Are we??"

 So it was with relief that they finally got in the car. As you can see, once again I have failed to keep the passenger seat clear. By the end of the packing process, every nook, every space - well, except the back which is for the doggie beds, of course - is filled, including unfortunately, the front seat. How does this happen? (Oh, I miss having the RV!!)

 Ok, so I have stopped in Lexington, Mass for a few days to visit with my family and take care of some business. I'm at the Element, which is a lovely place if you happen to be in Lexington and needing a place to stay. Here is my lovely Anna, and I know I've said it before, but once again, my niece is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. Here she is just home from tennis.

 And here is Will, intent on the screen of his BRAND NEW computer that he has been saving up for - can't remember what it is but it is chiefly for gaming and, in case you can't tell, he is completely engrossed.

 This is my wonderful bro-in-law, Tom, who is the sweetest man on earth. It is not hard to see why Anna and Will are such lovely human beings with Tom and Leslie as parents. (I would put the pic I took of Leslie up but she'd kill me, so if you haven't met her, you'll just have to use your imagination. She is v. cute.)

And, here are Will and Sophie bonding.

Best hospitality ever and I always feel like they are happy to see me, no matter what. There is a lot to be said for that. So grateful for this beautiful family. They feel like home.

Our beloved Gloria is getting her new hip this morning. I know there are legions of us out there thinking of her this morning and sending healing energy and best wishes for a speedy recovery her way.


Update: Spoke with David this afternoon. Gloria was in the recovery room drugged to the eyeballs and the surgeon said everything went as planned. She is at the Cleveland Clinic in Weston. Yay!

My last sunrise in Maine for awhile . . .

and what a gift it was.

The prospect of a week long drive south with two stinky dogs in a filthy car was fairly unappealing so yesterday, I gave the car an "express detail." 24 bucks at the local carwash - deal! Then today, the girls went to the groomer for the very first time. Oh my.  Here is what they looked like when I picked them up:

Here is what they were saying:  HELP HELP HELP HELP WE HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED AND TORTURED HELP US MOTHER HELP HELP HELP
The poor woman who gave them baths said only, well they were a bit of a challenge and I needed one of the girls to help out. uh huh, understatement of the year. I think if I drove back up with them tomorrow, she would run screaming from the building.
But they smell lovely and we'll see how long that lasts. They were so exhausted from all the hysterics, they sacked out for the whole afternoon and I got some packing done. oy

My friend, Mike, is having a lung transplant today. Please send him and Rita your love, your support, your positive energy, your prayers, whatever you got.

Monday

So, yesterday was a wicked weather day. I had actual rollers on my shore and at times the snow was blowing sideways. They said the wind was gusting to 45 and I believe it. The temps never got out of the 30's and it came straight in all the nooks and crannies in my cottage.

 I was not able to get the temperature above 60 degrees inside but it was nice to have a roaring fire all day.

 Sophie preferred the Rinnai (gas heater.) Stayed in front of it all day.

 Here is my road this morning.

 And the good samaritan who got this huge tree out of the road with his chain saw had a good sense of humor too! Cute.

 Here is what East Pond looked like on my way back from town this morning.

 Lastly, here is what I did while I weathered the storm (and what a miracle I never lost power!) I am all about the oil cloth lately. This is a big tote with lots of outer pockets.

 And, now cute is this? A little bd present for my niece. Happy Birthday, Brynne! Lots of love!