.

I took Sophie to the vet and when I got home, I fed the girls and then I sat down and looked out at the Lake and suddenly - or so I thought -  I couldn't see it anymore. It was dark out. I must have lost a good three hours inside myself somewhere.

When I try to think back and remember myself as happy and positive, just living life and having fun, I can't see that person any more. And I can't actually remember feeling that way, although I know I did. Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy. I'm fine. My mom told me this winter that I am "subdued."

I've grown in the last two years, I know. Immensely. I feel more confident, more powerful, independent. Capable. Self sufficient. Fearless.

In the past two years, I have absorbed some losses. The loss of my husband. The loss of my good health. The loss of my lifestyle, the loss of my home.

But, those are nothing compared to what the girls and I face now. My beloved Sophie has cancer. We will find an oncologist on Monday and trust that our girl will be healed and live a long happy life.

My sister said OH S**T, WHAT NEXT?????  What next indeed. I simply can't bear it. At least not tonight. But, in the immortal words of Scarlett O'Hara, after all, tomorrow is another day. . .

Here is an ode to Sophie that Carla wrote years ago:

Oh Sophie
Wooden dock, glassy lake,
pines and needles for heaven's sake.
The sounds of birds across the way
call for me to enjoy this day.
This day's beauty and visions sweet,
distracted by what's at my feet.
Oh Sophie,
I try to enjoy the view,
but all I do is look at you.