.

I realized tonight that it has been a long time since I lost it. Seriously. I'm not much of a crier anyway (ok, some would say that is not true - actually I can think of one and thank you, honey, for letting me cry when I couldn't help it the last couple of years - but it's been a long time.) Dry eyed over the holidays, etc. Anyhoo, I don't know what happened tonight. I cried for over an hour. wow

I went to my therapist yesterday and she said you know, you are better for your husband leaving you. You would never have discovered the wonderful person you are becoming, the special life you are creating . . . I got home and my friend Sue came over and she said, I just want to tell you that you are really much better off since he left because you have come in to your own, are such a wonderful person, so much more now than before, so independent (and I am paraphrasing here), and I thought really? Because maybe that is true but so what? It doesn't feel like that makes my life better in any way. -- And, note to self: therapist charges $50. Sue = free. (actually, when I pointed that out, she said she would charge me $15. What a pal.)

My mum writes me every day and says things like, Live your life with love, purpose and joy. Even our most profound losses are survivable. We carry on because we have to.Grief has its own rate of decay, and it rarely coincides with when we think it ought to go away.

So, I walked with my friend and mentor, Gloria, today and I told her all of this and she agreed with them. She said I had blossomed in so many ways, had done so many things he would otherwise have done for me. Now, I know I can do anything and do it all for myself. And? And? So what?

After work this morning, I went to the acupuncturist/chinese medicine person and had a good session, very relaxing and affirmative, working on a positive way forward, and when I left she hugged me and said, I am so excited for your rebirth, for your new life. I kind of felt buoyed up, but then,

tonight, I walked with the dogs further than usual so I could look at the ocean. And, I lost it. Couldn't stop crying. I don't get it. What part of my life is better? what? So what I can do for myself more, I can fly, I can drive, I can cook, I can blah blah blah. Yes, it is true, I am no longer afraid of anything. But, when will I feel joy again? I want it back. I want joy.

I. Want. Joy.

Must have been the acupuncture that got the waterworks going . . . . . going to bed now

Oh, and when I walked home tonight and approached the gate and tried to pull myself together, I thought ok, what is the positive here? What actually IS better? What?  Here is what I came up with:  well, I don't have to deal with him anymore.  Now, THAT made me feel better!

adding this: Every hand that touches me is healing and compassionate and I am grateful