happy thanksgiving

I've been thinking this week that there is a fine line between honoring one's feelings and healing, and wallowing in them. Can you tell I've been reading Martha Beck? I'm so good at being a victim and drowning in self pity and emotional negativity.
Do you know I have not had even one single day without thinking about my former husband since he left. Usually just in passing or when waking from a dream but still! We've been divorced for over 5 years. That is ridiculous!
Losing Sophie has brought up all those sad feelings again but I've got a handle on it now. I did the right thing for Sophie and while I am sad, I do not have regrets. I only feel immense gratitude for her unconditional love, her humor, her trust in me, and her stellar company.
It's been hard being here without her and I have yet to go in my pool by myself because I miss her so much. But gratitude is winning over sorrow and I'm feeling a little less like I'm pushing through sludge to get to the end of each day now.
So. just had to get that out and now I'll be going about my day.

giving thanks

I've been here a week now. I'd hoped a change of scene would do me good but I am having a hard time settling in. It is just so quiet at my house. I realize I've never been lonely before. I've always had a warm loving presence around me, first my husband and then my dogs. Now I'm alone. Sophie was all I had left. It is hard to sleep without the rhythm of her snoring. I have stopped talking to her like I did the first week because she is gone and I realized without her, I am just an old lady talking to myself. So. Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and get busy.

To that end, on Saturday I attended a rooftop party at Tom and Lu's in honor of his birthday. On Sunday I worked on some curtains for my niece, Genevieve. Love the fabric with mermaids and octopi, but I ran out with one panel left to go so I've got that on order.

And I've been trying to clear up my garden. It is choked with weeds and grass and I've already taken 8 trash cans of stuff to the curb.

I went back to work yesterday. And today, I'm going to start a new project for a birthday present but I'll show you that later. The weather has been perfect, the moon bright and beautiful.
My house? Silent.

We lost a huge talent in Leonard Cohen yesterday. So loved his poetry and music.

I saw you this morning
You were moving so fast
Can't seem to loosen my grip
On the past
And I miss you so much
There's no one in sight
And we're still making love
In my secret life
In my secret life

Read more: Leonard Cohen - In My Secret Life Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

So, after a brief stop to see my sister, bro-in-law and mom in Mass, I drove to Harrisburg, PA and stayed at a pretty nice Sheraton for the night and then made the short drive to Lorton, VA on Sunday where I lined up for the auto train at 11:30. Decided it would make the long trip without my traveling companion shorter and more bearable.

cars being loaded

Occoquan

I visited the way too cutesy town of Occoquan for an hour while I waited to board the train. The mayor actually comes to the Amtrak Station in a bus and charges $5 to take you to the main street for shopping and sightseeing and gets you back in time for departure.

It left right on time at 4pm, arrived 2 hours late in Sanford, FL and then I waited 2 hours for my car - always a crap shoot unless you want to pay the extra $50 to have it come off first.

I couldn't make it to the Keys before dark so I stayed over night and had dinner with nephew, Nat and family. Stayed at an SPG resort so heard the ocean all night long -- lovely and healing. Slept like a log.

Arrived at my back door to see bananas peeking over my fence, unbeknownst to my neighbor. Lucky me!

I'll have my work cut out for me in taming my garden. But first to the unpacking in my quiet little cottage without my girl. It feels strange and wrong. I miss her so much.

Miss Sophie   2003? - 2016

smiling girlie 

I've lost my very best friend in the whole wide world. We loved each other unconditionally. And she was all I had left. I'm having a hard time coping but I am pretty well acquainted with the "This Too Shall Pass" concept by now, aren't I?

It became clear this summer that Sophie would not be able to make the trip south this year so we lived each day together bonded in love and, for the last few months, in a sort of doggie hospice, the number one goal being quality of life and minimal pain. My girl was such a good sport, such a fighter and so willing to do anything to make me happy. It was my job to do the same for her. I left her only to go to work or on errands, took her with me when she was feeling good, and left her home when she needed to rest. We treasured every second together and when we were home, I don't think we were more than three feet apart ever. Slept in her bed together for the last few weeks.

The hardest thing I have ever had to do was take her to the vet and have her put to death. People say "put to sleep" or "put down" but that's not what happens really. I waited and waited for somebody to help me, but ultimately it had to be my decision to have her life taken away. It was me and her and I did it because it was the kindest thing I could think of and it was horrible. I felt her warm breath on my cheek and then her body go cold under my hand; the most horrendous thing I have ever gone through. I have no regrets; I only wish I could erase it from my psyche.

I'm not handling her loss that well but I've left Maine now and hoping a change of scene will help. Pulling in to rest stops when I can't control the anguish. It is so strange to live alone, travel alone, be completely alone. Nobody left to put me first, to love me the most, and ditto. So grateful for the time we did have...

That chin on my knee with those big brown eyes and the wild eyelashes gazing up at me with love every single night. Well, I just miss her so much.