.

I've been feeling pretty good about the holiday season this year, feeling tough, feeling like I'm handling it, like it's nothing, shake it off, just another day, when I realize I'm a bit cranky (ok maybe more than a bit) and a little depressed (ok maybe a little more than a little) and ok, I'm crying and stressed out but it's just situational. Well, yeah, it's freaking Christmas again and I hate it.

Time marches on but I feel like I'm stuck in this crazy purgatory. It's been four years now, four Christmases, time to move on, but here I am waiting for things to get back to "normal" and they're never going to be that kind of normal again, not the way I knew it. No use gnashing teeth and shaking fists at the sky, shrieking, "I want my old life back." Ain't gonna happen. Ever. Never ever.

So, I go through the motions, smiling and nodding and pretending, hoping if I act it long enough, it'll be true.

Maybe next year I'll go on a cruise.