I'm baaaaaaaack

So, I've made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, the New Year, made it through Valentine's Day and whenever I have started to write something I think, well nobody wants to hear that and so I delete it. I've gotten some satisfaction from the writing of it but somehow it's not the same as when I send it out to the universe.
I haven't posted because I know everybody thinks, well she must be over IT by now. She is moving on. She is making a life. She is strong and powerful and she is over him. I am so over him. I am. But here is my dilemma.  I would like to be grateful I got to know and love someone so so much but all I can think about is how I was (metaphorically) lying on the sand, reading my book, feeling warm and happy and loved and I looked up from the last page, disoriented, to wonder how the ocean had moved so far away and everything  had changed. I still feel that bewilderment every day. What happened to my sweet little life and the husband I planned on loving forever?
So, there you have it. I am still struggling. I still dream about him and worst of all, I hate him. I hate him like I have never hated anybody and never will again. That's what I need to get past and I don't care what anybody thinks (and doesn't say because I don't talk about it to anybody any more), it is a process and I'm not there yet. And, by the way, a person can grieve for 10 years before it is perceived as a psychiatric ailment so I still have some time left before I am certifiable. Ok, that is all.