I start to cry every time I drive by my old home.  I was so happy here. Such a loss. In so many ways. It is now under foreclosure and sits empty with "no trespassing" on the gate. I've started to drive in a few times but then I think, why do this to myself?

So, I went to see a shrink. And, I rest my case when I say that members of the psychiatric community in general are crazier than the average bear. No exception here. She was crazier than a rat in a shoebox. But let me back up.
When I had my annual physical, my doctor said she thought I was depressed and might want to talk with someone. She is right. I am having a hard time moving on since my husband left. And, it has been over two years!! I am continuing to let the past define me and no matter how intellectually aware I am of my victim mindset and the need to move on, viscerally I still feel like one. I want to be more than what I am. I just don't know how to get there. So, yes I need help with that.
One thing the shrink said was that there is nothing wrong with being stuck. It is normal and it is what happens when you are suffering from post traumatic stress. She said that is what is wrong with me. She then proceeded to tell me that it took her four years to get over the infidelity and break-up of her marriage. Seriously. Is everyone over the age of 50 divorced??? She also told me I was codependent because I ended up letting my husband define me and that I lived for his validation and approval. True to some extent, but I kind of felt like she was talking about herself . . . anyhoo, she wants me to go to a Coda group. Which is like AA for codependent people. oy vey
All I can say is that I'm sick of feeling sad and empty and maybe if I can admit that and that I need help, I've taken a positive step.

Meet Octavia!

So, as a consequence of Lu-Elaine's fall into the canal and Sophie's difficulties getting in and out, Tom showed up yesterday with bags of concrete and built Sophie her own steps into the canal. (And, they'll be great for getting in and out of my kayak.) They are awesome. Look:

I heard him calling me at one point to bring the camera so I ran out and look who is living in my canal! An Octopus! Isn't she lovely? She changed color several times right in front of our eyes. I have named her Octavia.

I looked at Wikipedia and read, "The octopus is a cephalopod mollusc of the order Octopoda" and my eyes started to glaze over so I stopped. Seriously though, they are the most intelligent of invertebrates and the drawback? They eat lobsters! So, Tom says I will have no lobsters in my canal. Bummer.

Chapter 3, I think . . .

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

By Portia Nelson

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.

       There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost…I become helpless.

       It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.

       There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

       I pretend I don’t see it.

       I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place.

       But, it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.

       There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

       I see it is there.

       I still fall in…it’s a habit

              My eyes are open.

              I know where I am

       It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.

       There is a hole in the sidewalk.

       I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Well, the girls and I spent a quiet day together, which I guess is my new tradition. Not so terrible really. (And not so quiet at times.)

The highlight of my day was when Lu-Elaine and Tom stopped by on their way north. We went outside to look at Sophie swimming in the canal and Lu decided to show her how to use the steps. I heard a splash and this is what I saw next.

So she and Sophie had a little swim . . . 

before she struggled out of the canal, took a quick shower, and they were on their way. Note: I noticed neither used the steps to get out. I'm thankful for Lu-Elaine and Tom and their friendship. And the fall in the canal was priceless. (Ok, it was hilarious but I don't want to go into that because she was pretty scraped up and I'll feel awful if I laugh and she is hurt.)
So, this is what my thanksgiving dinner looks like:

Yummy fresh Key West Pink shrimp and a nice salad. yay.

* * * 

I'd like to say I haven't given a thought to previous Thanksgivings with my husband or that I hope he won't choke on whatever he is having for dinner today.

But I can't.

Sophie has a new hobby. She spends quite a bit of time at it. I have two coconut palms in the front yard that drop a few coconuts every day. Sophie takes each one to the back porch and shreds it and works it and works it until she gets to the nut. Somehow she is able to crack this to get to the milk and meat. Now, I have only seen a coconut opened with a machete so this is impressive. 

 Makes quite a mess, as you can see.

Then, around 3 or 4 in the morning, I hear it. The unmistakable sound of a dog heaving. She vomits all that coconut on the bedroom floor. A lovely gift for mummy to deal with in the morning. Now, my challenge is getting the nut away from her before she can crack it. We did about 6 laps around the house yesterday and I was not too pleased with Miss Sophie. She thought it was great fun.

And, I wanted to share this wonderful head with you. I was having lunch with my BFF when we spotted the back of this head. My BFF said it looks like coral. I thought, a Shar-Pei.

And, just one more thing:
hahahaha

Prepare yourself for a diatribe

and if you don't want to hear it, please don't read on. . .

So, I had a lot of time to think in the 10 or so days I was on the road, and unfortunately -  and apparently impossible not to- my thoughts dwell on the turn my life has taken in the last few years.

I have meant for quite some time to send apologies out there into the ether to the friend of a friend I spoke about when my husband first left. She was in her third year of abandonment at the time and unable to move on, bitter and depressed. I vowed not to be her. Arrogance on my part. Well, hello. Now I completely sympathize with her immobility. Mine seems to be more emotional than material, but still. . .

Something I've recently read resonated with me (and I would like to give credit where credit is due but can't remember who or what.) Anyhoo, it went something like this:

Now that he's gone, you can finally hear yourself think. Gather yourself back together. You've been in a lot of little pieces because you're always dealing with him, listening to him, checking on him, trying to find out what he thinks instead of what you think. Do that long enough, you can lose yourself. Just disappear. Don't I know it. I'm still looking for myself . . . 

I now realize that men are just a bandaid, we stick them over an uncomfortable truth we don't want to look at. That is, we're all ultimately alone. Everything else is illusion. We live in solitary confinement inside our own bodies. No man can complete me. I'm on this journey alone.

Ok, I'm done now.

So, to catch you up, from Vilano Beach I hightailed it to Stuart to meet my new great-nephew, Ben. A beautiful little boy, and so wonderful to see Genevieve and Seth who are growing like little weeds. And, of course, Natonio and Sarah - they have a fabulous house with a pool (and I am green with envy.) So happy I stopped but instead of spending the night, I made a beeline for the Fabulous Florida Keys. The girls and I could smell the barn, if you catch my meaning.
So, I got to the dump, I mean house, that I rented on Monday night and have spent the last five days trying to make it habitable. And things are looking up. Two of those days were spent moving out of my storage unit in Florida City and having my things around me has  made things better. (And, not to complain or anything but it is wicked hot and humid here - my least favorite kind of weather. oy) So, without further ado, here is my new abode:

not much to look at from the street side

but this is the back of the house and if it ever cools down,
will be a great living space - nice right?

Here is the canal and tiki out back and nice to see the
working boats going out and coming in. That's my hot tub.
No need for it  yet, that's for sure.

This is a shot of the living room from the kitchen. My BFF was going
to buy that palm from the Habitat Re-Store and I demanded
she let me have it. And she did. She will have
it back in April when I leave..

Yikes! Scary killer palm frond in the canal!